Casino Patrons to be Reimbursed for Losses

Reports are coming from Las Vegas of a massive government effort to help investors that have been betrayed by casinos. These investors have put massive amounts of money into investments, some their entire livelihood, only to end up broke. One investor says, “I was just doing what everyone else was. I knowed that I had to make money at this, cause my cousin, Willy, was here last week and he made 500 smackaroos. Now I’m broke, upside down on my mortgage, and my kids don’t have anything to eat. I just want what’s fair and decent.”

The betrayal by the casinos occurred on a grand scale. At one end of a casino, the lights flashed above the slot machine “Win Car Here”, but poor Harold Hickson walked home. “It just ain’t right,” he says. “It says I should win a car, but I put in my entire savings, and even pawned my mobile home, and I ain’t won crap. I don’t know what Betty Sue will do when she hears. We made this investment in good faith. I heard a bunch of people were here last week and made a bundle.”

Another patron, Graham Wellington said, “It is clear that the practices here have been unethical. As I walked in, the lady who gave me chips said, good luck, I hope you hit it big. The personnel in the industry spread this idea that investing at a blackjack table is a sure way to get a significant payout. There were no warnings that these investments could turn sour. This euphoria caught many up in it, and I cannot afford the losses I have incurred. As a working citizen, I have a right to have someone help me with the losses I face due to this deception.”

The deception is all over. Claims of million dollar payouts were spread far and wide. These losses aren’t flukes, but a scheme by those no good dealers to get fat off of their pay. Rick Henson, a college student majoring in economics, reports, “I was always good at investing back at college, and got my friends good and wasted before I cleaned them out. It’s gotta be a fraud, because I toasted my student loans in one day of investing in poker here. I saw a billboard that says people hit it big in Vegas, false advertising if I’ve ever seen it. This disaster is too big for individuals. The government needs to intervene and help the market out of this crisis.”

A spokesman from the heartless bastards at The Von Mises Institute said, “Their unwise speculations did not result in the outcome they expected. The risk management was skewed by years of being taken care of by the government, resulting in expectations of large payouts with little aversion to downside risk. If the government mitigates these consequences, it will perpetuate this poor judgment, and these types of incidents will occur with greater frequency.”

Someone from the back yelled, “What he’s saying is they gambled and lost their shirts because they were greedy. If we bail them out they won’t learn their lesson, and we will have to keep bailing people out.”

The Center for Compassionate Government rebutted these outrageous insults.  “These are people who trusted the advice of these casinos, and were provided an environment where they could simply get more chips. There was nothing that told them about the impending losses.  Serious sanctions must be taken against these corporate bosses. One investor told us that they thought they could simply get back all of their money after they were done gambling, assuming that the casino was just holding the money for safety purposes.  He never signed anything that said he would not get his money back.  He was duped.  The thought of losses had never entered his head.”

“Now he and his family don’t have the money to pay next month’s rent.  We need to help them.  After all, it’s for the children.  We are proposing that people be allowed to be reimbursed in a way that will be fair to all parties. We don’t think anyone should be locked out of the American Dream.  Now we recognize that the casino owners don’t have the means to deliver what they promised, but I am sure that no true American wants little Bobby to go hungry.  The government has the means to support this, and we demand they help the poorest,  who were tricked into precarious financial situations.”

The president of Evil Conservative Industries, Gren Bock, said, “What the heck did they expect? They were gambling at a freakin’ casino. It’s sad that the kids are in such trouble, but come on. Everyone knows that in speculations you have ebbs and flows. There is no free lunch. My father was a baker, and he worked his rear off for every cent he got. These guys think it will fall into their laps just because their friends got lucky, well, they are in for a surprise.”

It is clear that despite the heartlessness of the rich evil conservatives, something must be done to help those that invested in at these well known establishments in good faith. Americans are obligated to help those who have been tricked and swindled. Presidential candidates promise that relief is coming. We couldn’t suppport them more strongly. Everyone has a right to the American dream!

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